


before the night passes;

by neocxxlture



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, An Attempt at character study, Darkness, M/M, Mentions of Alcohol Abuse, Miracles, Owls, POV Alternating, Saint Kim Inseong, Troubled Youth Baek Juho, Underage Drinking, a bit of Angst with a happy Ending, a halloween party, i dont know pacing and or consistency, i really dont know what im doing just take it, i take liberties with the All The Crooked Saints book universe, literally just a really great deal of denial, mentions of depression, side rowoon/chanhee if you squint, their ages are a bit changed up to better fit the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-01-28 23:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12618408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neocxxlture/pseuds/neocxxlture
Summary: |The boy’s name is Inseong and Juho notices two things about him upon seeing him for the first time: his eyes, and his tattoos.(The one where Juho struggles to get through the days or, alternatively, the one where Inseong meets a lovely broken boy and wishes desperately to help him.)





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to write an athmospheric short halloween story but it turned into whatever this is instead. i hope it doesn't suck too hard ;A;  
> inspired by All The Crooked Saints - a novel by the wonderful Maggie Stiefvater. you don't need to read the book to read this story, since it's really just inspired, but i fell in love with that world and was like "what if i throw my otp in there?" so yeah.  
> zuseong need some love!!~~

Some days, Juho wakes up wrong.

He knows this, somehow, in that way people know things to be true in the deep trenches of their hearts. He opens his eyes in the morning and he feels that he’s _off_. It’s a peculiar feeling, one he cannot articulate; the closest he gets are metaphors which he never voices aloud. It’s something akin to being broken into pieces and then glued back together, but the pieces are in the wrong places, or it’s like when he looks in the mirror and sees his reflection – himself, reverted, backwards – but his reflected version is now his normal version.

He stares at the ceiling until he’s convinced he can take a breath without falling apart, and then forces his body to move.

He goes about his day like everything’s okay, and nobody notices that he’s not himself. Just as well, he thinks. (It’s more often than not easier to convince even himself, though, as when he usually meets Taeyang on his off days the boy asks if _he’s okay_ and Juho always smiles at him and says _of course,_ or _just tired_ or something similar and forgets that that’s not quite the truth.)

On days like these, when he wakes up and has to sit on the edge of his bed for ten minutes to make sure he’s really there, and then five more to ground himself in the present and steel himself to face the day, his roommate casts curious glances at him until he can’t take it anymore and asks, "Juho, you okay there?“

And of course he isn’t, but he knows Youngbin means well, because he always does, "Waking up. Booting up the systems, you know.“ His voice comes out raspy and strange, but it’s not impossible to believe it is because of the sleep still clinging to his body.

"You want coffee?“

Juho grunts, "Of course.“

He hears Youngbin’s soft scoff, and it pulls his own lips into a slight smile. He gets up.

-

He wakes up sometimes, and he feels good.

He wakes up and his mind isn’t foggy and he can breathe easily. He wakes up and Youngbin looks at him just once from where he’s perched at his desk eating breakfast before looking back at his phone screen. Juho is content pretending he didn’t notice. It’s easier that way, for both of them.

There’s a multitude of things he could say in that moment. He could mention that he woke up right, but that would open up the conversation that both he and Youngbin can feel peering in on them from around the corners and he’s not ready to face that just yet; he could mention that he’s still tired and would love to sleep some more, but it’s a good day and he doesn’t want to waste it by sleeping in.

So he settles on: "Morning.“

And Youngbin’s face lights up as he swerves to fully pay him attention, and Juho hates it (doesn’t hate Youngbin though, never could) and he sort of hates himself, in that moment.

"Morning. There’s food for you on the table.“

Juho’s stomach growls as if to reply, and Youngbin laughs as Juho ducks into the bathroom to quickly brush his teeth.

He eats the breakfast Youngbin prepared for him, and mentally recounts his duties for the day. It’s a Friday, so it’s school, then studio, then practice with Taeyang.

"Hey, you free this evening?“ Youngbin asks him, and Juho gives him a curious glance. "I’m practicing with Tae until six,“ and Youngbin aks, in a hopeful tone, "Will you go to Jaeyoon’s with me? He’s throwing a party while his parents are out of town for the weekend.“

Juho’s not been to a party in a while, and he figures he won’t have anything better to do anyway, and also figures it could be good to just get outta his mind for a bit. So he shrugs his shoulders, "Yeah, sure.“

"Great,“ Youngbin beams at him, and it spreads like a virus until Juho’s also smiling,

\--

Jaeyoon’s house is crawling full of people when Youngbin and Juho arrive. It’s a Halloween party, and everybody’s wearing some kind of costume or other; Juho opted for a simple vampire design (and he hopes people will get it, he’s wearing a damn cape), and he has little idea what Youngbin’s costume is supposed to be, but looking at other people is interesting.

With a cursory glance through the kitchen and living room Juho spots some familiar faces. He and Youngbin talk to them for a while (he’s amused and a bit concerned to see Chanhee at the party, first because he’s decided to go with a Chucky costume, and second because the boy really is too young, but then again Juho was his age when he’s started going to parties himself) before Youngbin excuses himself and gets lost in the crowd.

Juho gets himself another drink and he and Chanhee stand aside by the wall, surveying the scene. He likes hanging out with Chanhee; he’s witty, very mature, and his personality matches with Juho in a way not many people do. It’s nice to lose time with him and Youngkyun (who’s in a Peter Pan costume and damn that is _adorable_ , Juho thinks), talking and joking around, and he’s willing to turn the other way when Chanhee gets himself another drink as well, but only when he promises to be responsible about it.

"You know me, hyung,“ he gives Juho a smirk, but his eyes are nothing if not honest, "I’m always the responsible one.“

Youngbin returns to them at some point, flush tainting his cheeks, "Juho, Juho, there you are.“ He grabs his hand and starts tugging him away immediately.

"Where are we going?“ He looks back at Chanhee to see the younger waving at him, laughing.

Youngbin says, "There’s someone I want you to meet.“

There’s always someone Youngbin wants him to meet, so Juho lets himself be dragged to the garden, "Okay, sure.“

Youngbin leads him to the very back of the garden where there’s a bonfire burning away happily with people standing around it talking, and stops next to Jaeyoon and a boy Juho never saw before.

Jaeyoon gives him a smile in greeting, and Juho really tries not to admire too much the way he looks in the red/blue makeup of his male Harley Quinn getup, and then Youngbin’s voice filters into his mind, "Juho, this is Seokwoo.“

The other guy, Seokwoo, is taller than Juho. That’s the first thing Juho notices about him. The second is his costume, which apart from the jacket, isn’t much of a costume at all, and the third is that he’s dashingly handsome.

Meeting Seokwoo and talking with him when both are aware that they’ve been set up in hopes they could like each other isn’t as awkward as it usually is with the guys Youngbin introduces him to. Seokwoo, in some way, is different, though Juho really can’t put his finger on just why; but as Seokwoo keeps smiling at him, teeth white and perfect, he guesses it doesn’t really matter.

Over the course of the night he learns Seokwoo is a successful athlete and that he’s also attending the same university as he and Youngbin. He has a sense of humour similar to Juho’s and they tease each other, and tease others (mostly Chanhee and Youngkyun) and Juho realizes he’s having a great time. Greater than he’s had in a long time, if he’s honest with himself, thouhg he feels a sort of sadness lurking at the back of his mind still.

All together it’s a strange sensation. He chooses not to dwell on it too much.

There’s a friend of Seokwoo’s, too, an older boy that Seokwoo introduces Juho to when they retreat inside the house because it gets too chilly outside.

The boy’s name is Inseong and Juho notices two things about him upon seeing him for the first time: his eyes, and his tattoos.

Inseong’s eyes are very much normal, except Juho gets a good look and they seem to engulf him. They’re a dark brown, so dark they seem black, but despite this darkness they carry so much kindness as they settle upon him that he feels himself falter. They seem to see into his head – his entire soul, _everything,_ probably – and before Juho can fidget, he swallows and gestures to him, "So, what are you?“

He means his Halloween costume, of course. Inseong’s clad in a black oversized hood, black pants with tattered knee holes, black shoes. Juho notes the only colourful thing about him is his pendant: a pretty, white owl rests hanging from his neck. Inseong, probably seeing him looking at it, runs his fingers over it gently. His hands are covered in ink. There are ornaments painted along his fingers and knuckles, and what Juho supposes to be the sun on the back of his palm.

Inseong gives him a smile, a really pretty, tightlipped one, but it’s Seokwoo who answers his question, "He’s a saint. Or would you say a priest?“ This one’s addressed to Inseong, and Inseong replies, "No, no. Saint is fine.“

Juho lets that sink in, and then shrugs. "Okay. Most badass looking saint I’ve ever seen, probably.“ This earns him another smile, and he’s about to ask why would Inseong dress as a saint to a Halloween party, but Inseong’s eyes bore into his and he finds himself at a loss for words.

Inseong asks him, "Are you a vampire?“

Juho self-consciously looks down at himself – a white shirt, black pants, black cape, and an accessory in the form of a choker. Youngbin’s pick, too, and Youngbin’s choice of makeup on his face. He huffs out a laugh, sheepish, and fishes the words from somewhere deep within the back of his mind, "Yeah. Pretty lame, but I didn’t really plan on going anywhere tonight, so...“

Inseong nods, "The cape’s a good indication. I like it.“

Seokwoo chimes in, "Can you tell me what Youngbin’s supposed to be? Like what is that?“ He gestures to the boy in question (who’s heavily leaning on the sofa trying to remain upright while he’s talking to a girl Juho’s seen around and whose name he thinks is Minah) and Juho has to laugh, because what a fool, "I’ve no clue.“

"Looks like some kind of pirate,“ Inseong says, but the way he says it comes out like a question.

"Who knows. Minah’s hot, though?“ Seokwoo says, and Juho gives a noncommital hum, while Inseong remains silent. "I wonder what Youngbin’s saying to her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look this unimpressed.“

They watch Youngbin sway forward a bit, and Minah grabs him by the shoulders and helps him stay standing, and Seokwoo puts a hand over his eyes, "I can’t watch this.“

"Are we making fun of Youngbin hyung?“ Chanhee appears at Juho’s side, then, and Seokwoo lowers his hand. "I want in.“

Seokwoo reacts immediately, "He’s trying so hard, dude.“

It’s kind of charming to watch, Juho thinks. Youngbin’s so drunk Juho’s embarrassed on his behalf, but it’s just as amusing.

Seokwoo puts a hand around Chanhee’s shoulders and Chanhee leans into him while Seokwoo whispers something to his ear. Chanhee ends up giggling so much he almost spills the drink he’s carrying. That reminds Juho his own cup is empty, so he turns to go to the kitchen, but then thinks of something, "You want one?“ He holds the cup to Inseong to indicate what he means, and Inseong shakes his hand, "Thanks, I’m good.“

Juho shrugs, and gets himself a drink.

He comes back to Seokwoo and Inseong discussing somebody named Sanghyuk (who, Juho learns, is the guy currently dancing really wildly on a table at the other end of the room) and he’s content to just stand back and let them talk. Chanhee’s still standing there as well, looking at Seokwoo like he’s seeing the sun for the first time.

Juho softly punches him the shoulder to get his attention. He looks wasted, but only when Juho gets a proper look at his face. "Isn’t it like, way past your bedtime?“

"Funny, hyung.“ Chanhee replies, "Never heard that one before.“

Juho eyes his costume again; it’s much more intricate than most of the costumes he’s seen throughout the night. It’s, dare he say, an actual Halloween costume. "I think if there was a contest for best costume, you’d win.“

Chanhee beams at him. 

They talk some more (make more fun of Youngbin, because the fool has now given up on standing entirely and poor Minah is still hanging out around him while it looks like his mouth never stops moving) but Juho notices Chanhee’s attention is a bit sidetracked as he keeps sneaking glances at Seokwoo, and, well. Juho can’t really blame him.

He does snort at it, though, because he’s a good hyung, "Take a picture, it’ll last longer.“ Chanhee immediately turns his head the other way.

A quick look at his phone tell him it’s past four in the morning, and Juho’s starting to feel the pull of exhaustion on him. He looks up from his phone, and finds Inseong looking at him, though the other quickly averts his gaze. In turn, Juho regards Inseong in that moment; notices how his eyes never stop looking like they can see into the very core of what they’re looking at, and he involuntarily shivers.

Chanhee leaves him to do whatever the hell it is the boy does when he’s not around his hyungs, and Juho rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes.

Tipsy thoughts scramble through his head, and even though he can’t really think too much in this state, he realizes that though he woke up right, nothing’s really changed.

He knows that’s not a good thought. He forces his mind to go blank and focuses on the music playing in the background. He doesn’t know how much time he spends like this, not-thinking, before there’s a soft touch on his shoulder and Inseong’s voice filters in mixed with the melody: "Juho? You okay?“

He wishes people would stop asking him that question.

He opens his eyes and laughs weakly, "Yeah, yeah. Where’s Seokwoo?“ He asks, because he’s nowhere to be found.

Inseong drops his hand. "He’s saying goodbyes to friends. We’re calling it a night.“ As he speaks, a realization comes upon Juho, and he swears. "Fuck. Fuck.“ He can’t believe he didn’t think of this sooner. He runs a hand through his hair, "Youngbin was supposed to drive home.“

Inseong understands what he’s implying. He goes, "Oh,“ and his lips form a pout while he thinks it through. Juho sees Youngbin, sleeping on the couch, and curses again. Inseong looks at Youngbin, too, before he says, "I could drive you home.“

Juho wonders why he’d offer to do that, and Inseong must read his expression as doubtful because he’s quick to add, "I didn’t drink.“

"That’s not what I – I mean – you don’t have to do that. I bet Jaeyoon would let us crash here,“ but as he’s saying it he’s painfully aware that he really doesn’t want to be forced to stay the night.

"It’s alright. Really,“ Inseong insists, in a kind of voice that’s hard to not believe.

So Juho accepts the offer, and that’s how they end up manhandling a half sleeping Youngbin to Youngbin’s car. Juho fishes the keys from Youngbin’s back pocket and tosses them to Inseong before laying Youngbin down in the backseat.

Just as he gets seated and puts his seatbelt into place does another thing occurr to him, "Wait, how will you get home?“

Inseong gets the car running and slowly backs up into the street, "I’ll just text Seokwoo to pick me up. You live on campus, right?“ Juho nods, and they fall into silence while Inseong drives them through a mostly deserted night town.

Juho eyes Inseong’s hands on the wheel, and the words are out before he can think better of it, "I like your tattoos. What do they mean?“

"Oh, you know,“ Inseong replies, "It’s a reminder. I have a place in this world, and a responsibility about it.“ That’s one cryptic answer if Juho’s ever heard one, and he says as much. It makes Inseong laugh. "Sorry. Yeah. I guess it is.“

Juho’s about to inquire more about it, but movement from the corner of his eye catches his attention. He peers through the window and notices silhouettes in the darkness; several of them, all flying.

Owls.

"That’s... weird,“ he muses aloud, „I’ve never seen so many owls in one place before.“ There appear to be more than fifteen of them that he can quickly count. Inseong says nothing.

They sit in silence the rest of the drive.

\--

The thing about sainthood Inseong despises the most is how it forces inaction.

Every day he walks among people and each day people’s darknesses (or miracles, depends on how he looks at it) pull at him and call out to him. He sees the owls, perched in the treetops or on roofs of buildings he walks past and he knows they’re waiting on him, hungry for a miracle just as much as he is.

It makes him miserable, but rules are rules, and rules of sainthood are harsher than most others. Inseong can do very little for someone unwilling, and much less yet for someone unknowing.

When somebody needs a miracle, he needs to let them come to him. Only then he is permitted to act.

He loves being a Saint. He loves helping people realize the darkness inside and helping them heal; it feels rewarding and it is the meaning of his life.

He is attracted to the promise of miracles just as much as his beloved owls are drawn to it, so it seems inevitable that he meets Baek Juho.

There’s nothing out of the ordinary about Juho, at a glance. He’s tall, very attractive, and his smile is dazzling. He holds himself with a swagger that Inseong thinks one can only be born with to pull off, and he jokes around with his friends and makes them laugh as if it’s the most natural thing to him. Inseong can see, by the way Juho’s eyes soften when he looks at Chanhee and teases him about something or other, and by the way he relaxes in the presence of Youngbin or Youngkyun, that he loves his friends fiercely.

Inseong feels Juho’s darkness pull at him, and he wonders if Juho loves himself at least half as much.

He wishes to help him, so much that he needs to forcibly make himself look another way when Juho rests against the wall and closes his eyes.

He reminds himself of the rules. He briefly wonders if he couldn’t get Seokwoo to talk to Juho about what he does and maybe subtly suggest to him to seek Inseong out, but it could have the opposite effect and that is the last thing Inseong wants.

Inseong spectacularly fails at forcing himself to look at anything other than Juho, and Seokwoo, of course, notices. He raises an eyebrow at Inseong and then, after Inseong makes a vague gesture and points to the owl pendant resting against his chest, his features transform with the understanding.

Seokwoo is familiar with the line of Inseong’s work, mainly because he’s experienced what Inseong can do on his own. They’ve become friends a few years ago, when Seokwoo came to him with a heavy mind and even heavier heart, saying that he’s received a piece of paper with Inseong’s adress, his name, and the words _he’ll do a miracle for you_ under it, and decided to seek Inseong out.

After asking why did Seokwoo blindly believe a piece of paper, Seokwoo didn’t even look at him as he said, "I’ve got nothing to lose, anymore.“

That was a dark thing to claim for a sixteen year old. Inseong felt the pull of Seokwoo’s miracle in the air, and seen the owls assemble outside the windows, so he took Seokwoo to their family’s Shrine, talked with him for hours, and in the end performed a miracle.

Now Seokwoo shrugs his shoulders as if to say _what should we do_ and Inseong shakes his head in turn, _there’s nothing to be done._

Except there is. He knows this, because he _is_ able to help; he only needs to figure out how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/neocxxlture)


	2. ii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek if this makes sense in all honesty but i hope it's at least readable ToT  
> unbeta'd so i'm sorry for any mistakes

Juho wakes up the next day and he lies in bed listening to the muffled sounds of the outside world while last night’s events come back to him.

Inseong helped him carry a very sleepy and clingy Youngbin up to their dorm room, where they threw him onto his bed (which was a bit of an ordeal, since Youngbin refused to loosen his grip on Juho’s neck) and left him with a cup of water on the nightstand to sleep it off before retreating to the small living room area.

While they waited for Seokwoo to come around for Inseong, the two of them settled on the sofa. Juho, feeling the exhaustion in every cell of his body, leaned back but through sheer willpower alone kept his eyes open and kept himself from falling asleep.

They sat in silence; it wasn’t really uncomfortable, but it felt a bit restless. Juho wondered how this happened – how did he go from hanging out with friends to being introduced to a guy he wasn’t put off by and then having a friend of said guy drive him and his drunk roommate home.

It seemed to him as if everything in his life happened either too slowly or way too damn fast.

At last the silence had been broken, but not by either one of them – it came from the window. Something banged against the glass so violently it made them both jump to their feet. Juho looked at the crack in the glass, heard the shuffle of wings, and couldn’t keep his voice from sounding incredulous, "Was that – could that have been an owl?“

Inseong didn’t answer right away, so Juho turned to look at him. Inseong had a hand over his heart, and his lips moved quietly as he regarded the window, or maybe something beyond the glass. The outside was dark, but Juho figured if someone would be able to see through it, it would be Inseong with his strange gaze.

Then Inseong turned his eyes to Juho, and something about it made his skin crawl.

"It’s a bit unusual, for an owl to do something like this,“ Inseong said into the quiet, "but it’s not unheard of.“

Juho slowly sat himself back down and only then inquired, "How much do you know about owls?“

Inseong gave him a smile, but it felt closed off, like it was meant only for Inseong himself to enjoy, "Only a bit. My work requires that I deal with them, whether I like it or not.“

He took his previous seat as well.

"So where do you work?“ He expected Inseong to say any name of a job that Juho would believe is where he has to deal with birds and owls and whatnot, but what he said wasn’t that at all – and that is how Juho learned that Inseong performed miracles.

He listened as Inseong carefully explained what he actually does – that he not only calls himself a Saint, but actually is one, and people seek him out because they need help, and he provides that help to them in return. He listened as Inseong explained further about the so-called miracles after Juho asked about that, specifically – that it’s actually a two-step process, that in technicality he’s not the one who does the actual miracle, but rather he draws out the darkness in people and gives it form and then it’s up to them to find the solution and heal.

Juho listened to all this, didn‘t really form an opinion because his mind still felt tipsy, and then had only one question, "And the owls?“

Inseong breathed out a soft laugh into the space between them. "They just like the miracles, the promises of them. It’s like they’re drawn to them, but nobody knows why, really.“

In that moment, Juho wasn’t really sure he could believe all this, but at the same time had no reason to suspect Inseong to be lying. He wanted to ask then, _why would an owl want to break my window,_ but Inseong’s phone beat him to the punch.

"It’s Seokwoo, he’s here,“ Inseong said after quickly looking at the screen.

They both stood up at the same time and Juho walked Inseong to the door. Inseong stepped out into the hallway but paused and turned to look back at him, and Juho could feel a squirming in his stomach, could feel the way his cheek heated up as Inseong’s eyes bore into him, couldn’t stop himself from noticing how pretty his eyelashes were.

Inseong looked as if he was about to say something but changed his mind, but that didn’t matter – Juho’s own mouth was a treacherous one, and he blurted out, „We should hang out again, sometime. You can tell me more about these miracles.“

And Inseong gave him a smile, the prettiest Juho’s seen in a while, said, "I’d like that.“ and with that disappeared down the stairs.

Now, Juho stares at the ceiling and still wonders how the hell is this his life.

Too slow, or too damn fast.

\--

He keeps thinking about Inseong and miracles the entire following week. He goes to school and to practice and to the studio but gets nearly no real work done courtesy of being distracted.

He’s not yet sure he believes, although he reserves any sort of judgment until he can learn more – about the miracles, and most of all, about Inseong himself.

Youngbin asks him about Seokwoo one evening they both happen to be at the dorm at the same time, and his shoulders fall when Juho tells him it didn’t really work out.

"I mean, he’s a nice guy. And I think we can be great friends, but that’s that. Sorry.“

But Youngbin shakes his head, "No, that’s alright. I just thought you could really hit it off.“

"And we did, but only as friends. Although,“ Juho says, and pauses, and it makes Youngbin’s eyebrows rise up in curiosity. "Although what?“

„ _Although,_ he introduced me to one of his friends. The guy that helped me carry your drunk ass home after the party, actually.“

Youngbin squirms at that, but asks, "What’s his name?“

"Inseong.“

„Oh, I know him! He’s the one that –“  he gestures with his hands, and somehow Juho understands he means _tattoos,_ "Yeah, I hear he’s a nice boy. Seokwoo always talks about him.“

"Does he?“

"Oh, you know, not in _that_ way. They’re best friends. Inseong’s helped him through some tough times. You really like him, though!“ Youngbin smirks at him, but his eyes shine, „I can see it on your face.“

Juho rolls his eyes at him, "No, you can’t.“

"You like him!“ He repeats.

"I literally met him yesterday,“ Juho reminds Youngbin, though he knows it’s pointless.

"Oh you’re _so_ into him. It’s okay, Juho. It had to happen eventually,“ Youngbin throws his hand around Juho’s shoulders in a half hug.

"Why are you so happy about it, anyway?“ Juho asks, but there’s already a smile tugging at his lips, because Youngbin knows how to bring it out of him better than anybody else.

"I don’t know. I want _you_ to be happy,“ he squeezes Juho’s shoulders one more time, and Juho relaxes in his arms, "I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy, hyung.“

Youngbin’s hand comes up to ruffle Juho’s hair before he retreats, "That’s true, but like, it could be nice.“

Juho can’t help but take a jab at him, "What about your love life?“

Youngbin momentarily closes his eyes and makes a grimace, "Oh, god. Minah hates me now. I can’t even bring myself to send her a text. I don’t remember anything that happened at the party.“

"I’m pretty sure Chanhee and Youngkyun have some footage of you, if you wanna look at yourself,“ Juho supplies, and Youngbin groans.

They’re both messes, but Juho thinks that could be okay.

\--

It’s actually Inseong that reaches out to Juho first; Juho receives a text on Monday saying _hi, it’s inseong, i asked seokwoo to ask youngbin to give me your number._

And there’s another one, right after, _want to hang out?_

He wants to. He sends a quick text back and they settle on a time (tomorrow after Juho’s done with the day’s classes) and place (that nice park that’s a short distance from campus) and Juho goes to sleep with a stupid grin on his face.

\--

Inseong feels jittery while he waits for Juho the next day.

It isn’t a nervousness born of expectation, though he guesses that’s part of it; no, he feels scared that he’s said too much in Juho’s apartment the other night and that it could come back to haunt him. He feels like he’s toeing a line, and for a Saint, that line has the potential to be very dangerous.

It doesn’t matter to him, though. He has to at least try to help, even if it bring his own darkness down upon him in the end.

Juho arrives with two coffee cups held in his hands and gives one to Inseong, "Hot chocolate.“

They walk side by side and talk and Inseong notes he really likes Juho’s deep voice, and the way sunlight makes his dyed hair seem almost on fire, and his smile, all teethy and open.

Juho asks him about his sainthood again, and Inseong answers as honestly as he can without revealing too much.

He explains about some of the rules; that once he draws out somebody’s miracle, they shouldn’t talk to him, and in case they cannot face their darkness, they need to stay in one of their family house’s guest rooms until they’re able to fight the darkness and heal.

He talks about his family and how his mother has been a Saint before him, and her father before, and his father before, and so on. He mentions he became a Saint very young after his mom had an accident, but he didn’t mind, because he’d loved it from the very first moment.

Juho shares tidbits from his life – that he’s studying medicine because his parents wanted him to, does some music production in his spare time, loves dancing – and all sorts of other little things, including that keeping up with the busy day-to-day schedules makes him very tired, but he endures.

Inseong wonders if that could be the root of his darkness.

They walk and talk until the sun sets, and even though the evening air is crisp, he feels warm. He walks Juho to campus, just because he can and because he wants to spend as much time with him as he can, and watches the owls circle up above them.

At the entrance to Juho’s dorm they stop and Inseong gets ready to say goodbye, but instead Juho asks, "Youngbin mentioned that you helped Seokwoo, with something. Did you help with a miracle?“

Inseong hasn’t been expecting that, but he keeps a smile on his face, "Yes.“ he answers simply.

Juho seems to think about something before he says, "He seems to be doing really well now.“

Inseong nods, "Out of all the people I’ve performed miracles for, his took the longest for him to solve, but once he did... I think he really knows now, who he is, and what he wants out of life.“

And that’s the end of their meeting – Juho ducking inside with a smile and a  _see you later_ but Inseong notes the thoughtful look stays on his face as he does.

\--

Over the course of the next month they become closer, so much so that Juho feels like they’ve known each other for years instead of weeks. It’s very easy to include Inseong into his daily life, because the guy fits right in. Juho reserves his free time all for him and it makes him a bit busier, but it’s alright, because being with Inseong is as simple as breathing and he can barely remember what he’d been doing before Inseong entered his life.

Usually they stay at Juho’s dorm room, hanging out and talking or doing whatever, and sometimes Youngbin joins them and sometimes Youngbin’s out and comes home late reeking of alcohol. Youngbin’s an outgoing guy and Juho knows he has numerous friends which call him to go out every week so he doesn’t think too much of it, though when he gets home and Inseong’s sitting on the sofa, Inseong’s eyes follow him until the bedroom door slams shut after him.

"Is that alright?“ Inseong asks, and Juho shrugs. "He always goes out to parties or wherever.“

The miracles are, of course, almost always present at the back of his mind. He keeps thinking about it and wondering what sort of darkness Seokwoo had to overcome that only a Saint could help him with it – he wonders how does a person know they have darkness within themselves. He wonders what counts as darkness and what’s just – all the other shitty feelings he feels, mostly. Can it be darkness when he wakes up and doesn’t feel like moving, or is it just his exhaustion and desire to sleep more?

How does one know for sure?

He keeps asking Inseong about his sainthood, and Inseong doesn’t mind indulging his questions.

"So you can feel it?“

They’re sitting on the sofa again, the TV a soft chatter in the background, their shoulders pressed together where they sit.

"Sort of. It’s like... it’s hard to explain. Sometimes I look at a person and I just know and sometimes it’s more subtle. It can vary. But I – yes, the simple answer would be that I feel the darkness.“

"In everyone you meet?“ Juho inquires further.

"No, not everyone, but usually... those I’ve met has had a bit of darkness dwelling within them.“

Juho takes Inseong’s hand in his own, and looks at his tattoos again. The design is beautiful, "Really? What about Youngbin, for example?“

Inseong intertwines their fingers, then, and Juho’s heart leaps in his chest. "Youngbin does have some darkness of his own.“ Inseong’s voice comes out soft, "Chanhee, too. And me. And you.“

Before Juho can respond, Inseong lets his head fall onto his shoulder, "Sometimes it’s alright. Sometimes the only way to deal with it is to have a Saint take it out.“

"Do you know what their darkness means?“ Juho whispers, laying his cheek on Inseong’s head.

"No. That’s for everyone to figure out themselves,“ Inseong sighs, and squeezes his hand.

\--

Soon after, Inseong invites Juho to his home. He lives in a mansion half an hour away by car, and it’s a great structure; full of windows, a spacious garden, and a beautiful shrine out back.

That’s where Inseong leads him, hand in hand. They step inside, and Juho feels a shiver run down his back.  The inside of the shrine is illuminated by candlelight only – there’s candles everywhere Juho looks. They must be scented, because the room has a pleasant, soothing smell. Directly opposite the entrance is a little altar, above which hangs a beautiful painting, of a women covering her eyes with her hands, which alike Inseong’s are covered in ink; her tattoos are of open eyes all along her fingers and knuckles.

„Is this where you –“ Juho tries to ask, looking at Inseong. Like this, bathed in the warm glow of the candles, he looks ethereal. He wonders if the place looks and feels like this – so strange but still wonderful and comforting and warm – when Inseong is in here with someone, when he performs his miracles, but somehow he doubts it. It seems to him that the small room, to some extent, is Inseong himself – like the two are tied in a way Juho cannot begin to fully comprehend, but he feels like Inseong’s letting him have this insight, like he’s allowed to look through a window into a world that’s so unlike his own.

It feels like Inseong is letting him see and feel his soul, much the same way Juho feels like Inseong can see and feel his own one.

Even though he doesn’t finish his question, Inseong understands, says, "Yes.“ and then slowly leans closer.

It all happens so slowly Juho experiences it as if in slow motion. He sees Inseong’s eyes drop to his lips and back up and reads the silent question in them; his answer is a  _yes_ in the form of stepping closer and gripping Inseong by his arms.

Inseong cups Juho’s face in his palms and kisses him so slowly Juho’s heart feels like bursting out of his chest. It’s so simple, just the brush of lips, Inseong’s thumbs softly tracing his cheeks.

Juho hugs Inseong around his shoulders when the kiss deepens, twists his hands in the fabric of Inseong’s hoodie, and tries to bring him closer yet.

Inseong hums, and it sets Juho’s veins ablaze, making him feel alive in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time.

As they part, breaths mingling in the small space between them, foreheads resting against each other, arms wrapped around Inseong’s waist, Juho feels full, lighthearted and very, very happy. He thinks this could be what falling in love feels like.

\--

It’s wonderful, Inseong thinks, how Juho fits perfectly into every empty spot of his life.

Before Inseong met Juho, he’s always had the distant feeling that something was missing. It felt pronounced in any quiet moments he’s had to himself – it was always just him and his owls, and he hardly counted the owls as company.

His heart longed, but for what, he wasn’t ever sure – and somehow the emptiness within him was found growing, leaving him desperately trying to find something to fill it with.

When Juho wraps his arms around Inseong‘s waist and brings him closer, as he sneaks one hand under Inseong’s shirt to lay his palm across the skin of his lower back, as he noses into Inseong’s jaw and peppers kisses alongside his neck, that’s when Inseong realizes what he’s been missing has all along been Juho.

Inseong has always believed in fate, and there is not a single doubt in his mind that their meeting has been destined. It’s not only because of the darkness Juho carries and the saintliness Inseong is wrapped up in that connects them, Inseong feels – this is much more, so much more that he can barely name it, but he knows it to be true nonetheless.

He melts under Juho as they fall onto Inseong’s bed, and as he keeps holding Juho tighter and closer he relishes in the weight of Juho’s body pressing down on his own, enveloping him.

He never wants to let go. At a distant corner of his mind he is aware of Juho’s darkness, pressing against him, demanding his attention – he bites Juho’s lip and ignores it in favour of hearing Juho moan low in his throat.

\--

They fall into a rhythm, making the most of any moment to spend together.

They’re at Juho’s dorm room, just resting on the couch, TV a faint murmur in the background, and Juho can tell Inseong is distracted; he keeps staring off into the distance, it takes him a while to process Juho’s words if he says something, it takes a whole while more until he answers. Juho suspects it is something – something saintly – occupying his thoughts, so he holds him closer, kisses his cheek, waits.

With a look out the window Juho spots numerous owls flying to and fro. It’s beginning to grow dark outside, the sun setting slowly as Juho watches the owls, and just when three perch themselves on the windowsill, Juho hears Inseong murmur something.

It is too low for Juho to hear. It appears to be no more than a whisper, and Inseong is now eyeing the owls as well, and as soon as he’s done, Juho gives him a careful smile, "You keep doing that.“

Inseong, this time, answers immediately. "It’s a simple prayer, in preparation.“ His eyes burn. "A miracle is coming.“

Juho breathes out, "You feel that? Will it happen now?“

Inseong takes his hand, intertwines their fingers, squeezes tightly, "Soon.“ And maybe he interprets Juho’s curiosity as something else, because he adds, "It is not your miracle.“ Juho doesn’t really get why he’d say that; he doesn’t have a feeling he’d need one anyway.

The door opens. Inseong squeezes his hand one more time.

Youngbin stumbles in, closes the door and falls heavy against it, and Juho stays sitting only because Inseong is still gripping his hand.

"Hyung?“ he asks, and only then does Youngbin acknowledge his surroundings and raises his head and he’s – he’s crying.

"Hyung,“ Juho says, not understanding, and Youngbin quickly wipes at his face with the sleeves of his jacket and turns his back to them.

He doesn’t say anything, maybe because his body is trembling and because Juho can hear he’s trying hard to swallow his sobs. Juho stands up after all, and Inseong follows, and Youngbin doesn’t shy away from him when he nears him.

"Hyung,“ he tries a third time, and now Youngbin finally answers him, "Juho, do you – do you think my drinking is a problem?“

Juho doesn’t have to think about his answer, because Youngbin deserves nothing less than the truth. His heart falls in his chest, yet he says, softly, "Yes.“

Youngbin nods, as if Juho only confirmed something he’d already known anyway, and then he sighs, "I need help.“

Juho, bewildered, looks to Inseong, and suddenly understands. Inseong holds his gaze for a moment, before turning to Youngbin, catching his eyes. He holds Youngbin's gaze as he asks in a voice Juho’s come to associate with comfort and safety, "Do you have darkness within you?“

Youngbin’s voice cracks, "I do.“

Inseong takes both his hands into his own, "Then maybe there’s something we can do about it.“

Juho lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. The owls outside the widow ominously clap their wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry youngbin-ah
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/neocxxlture)


	3. iii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two more chapters, because i am unable to stick to my original outline. 
> 
> this one is alternatively titled as the one where juho meets his best friend Denial and they get along splendidly!  
> hope this mess makes sense. i sometimes try to convey meaning very subtly in my writing, so. yeah. anyway

Inseong takes them both to his house. Juho tagged along only after Youngbin looked at him with apologetic eyes and asked him to accompany him. Juho had taken Youngbin’s hand  then and asked Inseong, “Will that be okay?“

“Of course,“ was Inseong’s only response, and Youngbin’s grip on Juho tightened momentarily before he let go and they followed Inseong out the door.

Now, Inseong doesn’t take them to the Shrine when they arrive. Instead, he leads them to his house’s kitchen, sits them down, makes tea for all three of them, and all the while keeps asking Youngbin questions.

Juho observes it all from Youngbin’s side. Inseong’s voice is soft and comforting, and his inquiries are subtle but pointed; Juho realizes what he’s trying to do when he asks Youngbin to tell him a bit more about his life before college.

Youngbin tells him everything he can. He keeps his head down and eyes on the table in front of him, his voice quiet, but he answers with utmost honesty.

What Juho gets after almost two hours of conversation is that Youngbin’s problem started after he’s enrolled in college. “I always went with my roommates, when they invited me to parties,“ Youngbin says, “It was fun, and it was a quick way to make friends. I just,“ he shrugs, “I just went with it. They would keep pouring me drinks, and I drank them because I didn’t know what else to do.“ He shrugs again. “After a while they didn’t have to, I did it on my own. And I don’t,“ he pauses, “I don’t remember half the parties I ever went to and there was – a lot.“ His head falls even lower.

Juho had no idea.

It goes on like this, with Youngbin confessing and Inseong gently guiding him through it all. Juho learns that Youngbin realized his problem some time ago, that his family too has been trying to help him but were unable to, that he himself cannot just _stop_ , because he doesn’t know _how_.

In the end, after Youngbin’s said all that he could have, Inseong leads him to the Shrine, with Juho following a few steps behind. Before the two of them enter, Inseong turns to Juho and whispers to him, “Stay near the door. You can watch, but in case something goes wrong, I need you to be able to leave quickly.“

Juho nods his understanding, and they all go inside. Juho keeps the door open behind his back where he stands, wondering how it could turn so wrong that he’d need to escape.

Inseong stands just before the altar, seeming otherwordly in the candlelight. Youngbin stands before him, his back to Juho; Juho cannot see his expression when Inseong levels him with his dark stare, but he himself gets goosebumps. Inseong moves closer to Youngbin, just one small step, “Once I draw out your darkness, it is up to you to defeat it. I cannot interfere with your miracle in any way.“

Youngbin nods, “Okay.“

Juho hears the owls outside, slamming into the door, trying to get inside – he quickly closes the door shut, his heart skipping a beat.

Inseong asks, one last time, “Are you ready?“

Youngbin takes a breath, and holds his head high, “Yes.“

Inseong places a hand over Youngbin’s eyes, then closes his own.

Juho doesn’t dare breathe.

For a second there is nothing, and then three things happen all at once. Juho doesn’t feel any sort of breeze in the room, but the candle flames sway and some of them go out. The owls outside go absolutely crazy. Youngbin falls to his knees.

Juho keeps his eyes on Youngbin, but he still misses the exact second his darkness manifests – or at least he thinks that’s it, as what appears to be a thousand bees come to life out of seeming nowhere all around him. And that’s it. Inseong steps back. Youngbin stays kneeling on the floor. For a while the only sound in the room is the buzzing of thousands of wings.

At last Youngbin gets up, slowly. “I – I don’t know what it means,“ he says. Inseong does not reply, just looks at him, expression kept carefully blank.

Youngbin turns to Juho. Juho has no idea what to do, but Inseong‘s soft voice carries over to him, “You can talk to him.“

“Okay,“ Juho says, and then to Youngbin, „Okay. Hyung-“ but he’s unable to finish, so they just keep looking at each other until – out of nowhere – Youngbin starts to laugh.

It’s a bizzare situation, if Juho’s being honest. It’s all so fucking weird – everything up until this point that Inseong was able to do, them standing in this small shrine that can barely fit them in, the bees that basically cover Youngbin’s entire body.

So he does what he always does when him and Youngbin find themselves in bizzarre situations – he laughs with him until the point where they both need to wipe the tears that escaped their eyes.

Youngbin sighs, but not sadly; instead, he lets out one last chuckle, smile kept tightly in place, “Ah. I’ll be fine,“ he says, and Juho believes him without question. “I’ll be fine, Juho-ya.“

“You need to do something about these bees,“ Juho points out, “The buzzing’s so loud. How will you sleep?“

Youngbin ponders over it, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to find a way. They’re so cute, though. Harmless,“ he shrugs, “Also I think they’re trying to feed me honey.“

“Gosh,“ is all Juho is able to answer.

They escort Youngbin to a room that Inseong deems appropriate, and they leave him and the bees to their devices for the night.

Juho and Inseong retreat to Inseong’s bedroom; and Juho notes, for the first time since befriending Inseong – there are no owls around.

\--

It takes Youngbin three days to defeat his darkness.

On the first day, Juho skips his classes, his practice, and studio time, just in case Youngbin might need him – and he does. He keeps him company while Inseong attends to other matters around the house, and they sit together in the backyard, talking. Because he’s so close to Youngbin, Juho guesses, the bees start to swarm him a bit too, but it isn’t unpleasant, except maybe for all the noise.

On the second day Juho finds Inseong staring out the window into the garden, and when he looks, he spots Youngbin sitting near the Shrine on a low bench, looking out into the distance. His bees dance around him endlessly, wings shimmering in the sunlight bearing down on them.

“What is he doing?“ Juho asks, standing close behind Inseong.

There’s a moment of silence, and then Inseong replies, “He’s letting it all happen.“

Juho doesn’t get it, but before he can inquire further, Inseong turns around and brings him closer, and when they kiss all questions he might have had are forgotten.

On the third day, Juho silently keeps watch over Youngbin as he takes his seat on the bench once more. Juho looks on through the parlor window, getting sleepy at some point because it takes hours as Youngbin just sits outside, face angled towards the sky. Juho falls asleep for a few moments (or a few more) and he’s jostled awake by a light touch on his shoulder – Inseong – and Inseong is smiling gently with a nod to the window, so Juho looks – and he blinks – and he sees Youngbin, still sitting in the same spot, in the same position, but the bees are nowhere to be seen. He is left alone, smiling at the sky. Something about it, about the serenity of Youngbin’s expression, the aura of happiness, maybe, makes Juho unable to find it in himself to ruin this – Youngbin‘s – moment by going after him and interrupting him.

So he waits. He joins Inseong in the kitchen as he prepares dinner, then joins him again in the living room, Inseong entertaining him with tarot cards. He’s looking at the cards (hand-painted, Inseong points out, and so, so beautiful) when there’s a creak of a floorboard, announcing Youngbin’s presence, and he almost looks shy as he approches them to sit beside them on the couch.

“Hey,“ is all he says, and Juho relaxes because he looks so happy, and all the questions he’d wanted to ask die in his throat.

And just like that, it’s all over. They go back to their dorm, and life returns to the usual schedule. Juho catches up on all the classes he’s skipped, all the practice he‘s missed, and stays awake for 48 hours straight to make up for it all. He has no time left to see Inseong, but Inseong does come to him – he brings him food to the studio, and lounges around in a chair while Juho works, silent.

He tries, once, to get Juho to take a break, and after Juho shrugs him off because _this needs to get done, leave me alone,_ he doesn’t try again.

He does feel bad for not paying Inseong enough attention, but exams are coming up and he’s so behind on _everything_ , that he has no time left to ponder over anything else other than all the work he has left yet to do. He can catch his breath after all this is done, he thinks. It will just take a few days.

\--

He does not catch his breath. The work just keeps on piling up, the song he’s working on is incomplete and he spends too much time trying to fix it but failing continuously, and Taeyang comes up with a new choreography that he requires Juho learns as quickly as he can so they can perform and it’s – well, it’s too much.

He pushes through it, though, even if it makes him feel dead inside at the end of the day, even if he wishes he wouldn’t need to wake up the next morning because the cycle just keeps on repeating.

Somewhere in the middle of all this mess Juho notices Inseong looking at him with an expression that feels much too familiar; it’s the same one Youngbin offers him whenever he sees Juho struggling internally, and Juho shoves the thoughts of all it might mean into the furthers corner of his mind and convinces himself it doesn’t – shouldn’t – mean a single thing.

It feels foreboding.

\--

By complete accident alone, Juho runs into Seokwoo and Chanhee in the campus library. They’re sitting at a table, leaning over books, heads together in discussion. Seokwoo notices him first and he’s the one that gets Juho’s attention by calling his name, and motions for Juho to join them.

He sits down, and Seokwoo gives him a smirk as he eyes the books (tomes, more like) Juho hugs to his chest, “Busy?“

Juho sighs, “The life of a medicine student. The grind never stops,“ Chanhee snorts at that, and Juho asks, “What about you two?“ He tries to catch Chanhee’s eye to ask a silent, more important question, though, but the younger avoids his gaze, soft blush on his cheeks so faint Juho wouldn’t notice had he not known Chanhee like the back of his palm.

Seokwoo nods to the open books on the table the two were going over before he arrived, “I’m helping Chanhee with his mathemathics. He said he’s about to fail his class, and I’ve always been good at math, so.“

Juho knows for a fact Chanhee has always been great at math and never needed tutoring ever before in his entire life, always the top of his class. He replies, “I see.“ Chanhee blushes further.

Juho takes mercy on the boy, though, and opens one of his own books to read, and leaves the two of them to their tutoring.

It takes at least two hours before Seokwoo puts his arm around Chanhee’s shoulders and half-hugs him, saying in a sing-song voice, “You’re gonna do so well on your test!“

Juho laughs at the way Chanhee brightens, even if he ducks his head shyly.

They softly chatter away while Juho finishes the chapter he’s reading, and then his phone buzzes with a message. It’s from Inseong: _miss you. miss you. miss you._

He smiles to himself, heart swelling up. He types back: _miss u too. studying is killing me. i don’t think i can come by your place today._

Inseong sends back: _:‘(_

Seokwoo’s voice carries over to him, “Is that Inseong? Say hi to him for me.“ So Juho does, and then Seokwoo says, “You look much happier than the last time I saw you. The miracle must have worked, then?“ and Juho’s body goes stiff, fingers still on the screen. He looks up, “What miracle?“

“Your miracle. Didn’t Inseong do something about your darkness?“

Juho is confused. He understands the words, but they don’t really make much sense, in that moment. He stares at Seokwoo for a one, two, three beats of his heart, and then manages, “What?“

Seokwoo says, “Oh,“ and then there is an awkward silence.

It’s Seokwoo who breaks it, “Look, I didn’t-“ but he doesn’t finish, as Juho finds some words of his own, finally, “What did Inseong say to you about me?“ He demands.

“Nothing! It isn’t – he just mentioned-“ Seokwoo tries, but Juho feels hotter by the second, anger clouding his judgement, “ _Mentioned._ What could he have mentioned? I don’t – I’m not –“ he shakes his head, scoffing, “I don’t have darkness within myself.“

“Juho, it’s nothing to be ashamed of,“ Seokwoo says, and Juho is past the point of thinking about it rationally because it’s just _ridiculous,_ he’s absolutely fine.

“What – You know nothing about me. What the hell.“ He’s saying as he stands up, because he needs to leave, “And why would Inseong even say anything to you?“

Seokwoo’s reply that _Inseong is his best friend_ falls on deaf ears as Juho goes on, “You think because Inseong helped you with your own bullshit once that you’re an expert now?“ And he sees Seokwoo pale at the words, but doesn’t care, and he guesses by the way Seokwoo remains silent that that’s that.

He says to Chanhee, “Guess I’ll see you around,“ and leaves, veins burning.

\--

He walks around town for a bit, thinking, but not getting less angry. It’s just – this sort of feeling of disappointment that wraps around his chest and constricts it, a sort of sadness on its heels – it makes him feel so betrayed in Inseong.

Juho doesn’t, does, not, have this sort of darkness within himself, and he cannot understand why Inseong would say anything – whatever – to Seokwoo in the first place and not to Juho himself, and it hurts because he thought that maybe, _maybe,_ Inseong’s interest in him had been true and honest and that he just liked him the way he was and this – this proves it to be just the opposite.

In a sudden moment of recollection Inseong’s words come back to him, _Youngbin does have some darkness of his own. Chanhee, too. And me. And you._ He can remember other instances too, of Inseong implying rather subtly that Juho carries a darkness in his soul, but Juho is convinced that he’s wrong, that whatever he feels – or thinks he can feel – from Juho, he is mistaken in his interpretation.

In the end, after hours of wandering around, he decides to not return to his dorm right away. Instead, he finds himself in front of Inseong’s house, and finds Inseong inside. He doesn’t like the way Inseong’s knowing eyes settle upon him as he enters the living room, tries to ignore their weight on him as he doesn’t sit down, but crosses his hands and leans against the wall instead.

Inseong stands up from where he’s sitting, but doesn’t come any closer. Juho says, “I ran into Seokwoo today.“

Inseong keeps his face devoid of any expression, “I know.“ His voice sounds weary.

“I just don’t get it,“ Juho starts, “That you’d just go and tell him something that concerns me, something like _this_.“ _Something this personal_ , he doesn’t say aloud.

Inseong blinks, and Juho hates the way he’s keeping himself collected. “Would you have listened to me, if I told you?“

“But it’s not true,“ Juho shakes his head, anger still propelling him forward. “What sort of darkness could I possibly have? My life is great. In Youngbin I understand,“ Juho adds, because in his case, it all made sense, “But _I’m fine._ Whatever you think you can feel from me – it’s wrong.“

Inseong answers simply, “Then why does it make you so upset?“

“ _Because,“_ Juho is aware he’s raising his voice, “What the fuck, Inseong? Just the fact – that you’d go behind my back. That you’d even say something like that. How am I supposed to feel? Pleased?“

He closes his eyes, takes in a breath, and opens them again. His hands are balled up in fists and he can feel fis fingernails digging into his skin. The pain of it helps ground him into the moment, in a way, and he manages to say, “Tell me you’re not with me because of something so stupid as a darkness within me.“ His fingernails dig deeper. “I know that you,“ his voice cracks, so he has to try again, “I know you always say you want to help people, when you feel their darkness pulling at you.“ Inseong remains silent. Juho fears bile might crawl up his throat along with his words, “Tell me that’s not why we’re together.“

And Inseong does reply, but it isn’t what Juho wants to hear, but it is what he was afraid to hear, “I can’t.“

Juho has to look away, and fight the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“If I try to explain, right now, will you listen to me?“

Juho shakes his head. “No. I think I – I need to go. I need to think.“

He wishes Inseong wouldn’t sound so utterly devastated in the way he replies, “Okay.“

So Juho turns around and leaves, and that’s that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im apologetic pls like comment & subscribe
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/neocxxlture)


	4. iv.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am very apologetic this took SO LONG to write and post and it's not even half decent. i don't have an excuse except i had a really bad writer's block that lasted like two months right after few terrible weeks of final exams. everything was awful. i think it reflects in the writing lmao hdjdf  
> ANYWAY this ain't even beta'd because i don't have the strenght so i'm just hoping it doesn't suck too much. but please enjoy it anyway <3

Juho doesn’t really do the whole entire s _tewing in one‘s own guilt_ thing, okay. His life is simple, he’s an easygoing guy, and there’s never really a reason to feel bad – because he and his friends don’t ever have falling outs.

But now here he is, buried under two blankets on the couch, moping because he feels guilty and he _hates_ it.

He hears his phone buzz from its place on the coffeetable – once, twice. There’s no strenght left in him to will his body to move forward to take it and see who’s messaging him. It could be his classmates, wondering why he’s skipping class again. It could be Youngbin, trying to check up on him again. It could be Inseong.

Juho doesn’t really know why, when he checks it and discovers it’s a message from his mom, disappointment takes root in the pit of his stomach. She’s texting him he should let her know when he will be visiting for dinner; Juho throws his phone to the cushion, not bothering to reply.

He wonders if he should text Inseong, but he’s just as prideful as he is stubborn, so in the end he falls onto his other side and sleeps away the rest of the afternoon.

\--

His phone persistently rings, again and again, and Juho keeps sitting where he is unmoving, ignoring it, until Youngbin says from where he’s sitting behind his desk, “Are you not gonna get that?“

Juho shakes his head. Youngbin asks, “Who’s calling? Is it Inseong?“

It doesn’t surprise Juho that Youngbin is still trying to find out what happened, since the only thing Juho told him was that they broke up, and that was all. Even now, the words ask to be let out, but he swallows them down, hard. It’s his mom calling, still, and he knows what that conversation will be about, because it’s always about the same thing; how’s college, when will he be able to get an internship, did he quit that hobby of his yet. He has no energy to deal with it. He has no energy to deal with anything.

He shakes his head again. He’s worried, that if he says anything at all now, he won’t be able to stop himself from just telling Youngbin everything, and that – that is scary.

Youngbin looks exasperated. His expression betrays all the emotions he’s feeling, hurt and curiosity and concern all mixed up together. He has his mouth open, as if stuck on a syllable, and it almost seems like he’s about to start talking, and Juho wonders if it’s come time for them to have that conversation, the one they always skirt around and pretend isn’t the giant elephant in this woefully small suffocating room, but at last Youngbin snaps his mouth shut and turns away.

\--

The next three days pass torturously quiet and slow.

Juho stays cooped up in the dorm. He barely eats. He sleeps through the first day, but then sleep too starts avoiding him. Youngbin barely talks to him, and by the end of the second day, Juho is positive he’s ignoring him altogether. His mother has left him several messages that just ooze the disappointment she is feeling. Juho is so, so, so tired.

The apartment is still. Everything feels suspended in time. It feels foreboding, like there’s an event waiting at the end of it all, like a conclusion to a story Juho doesn’t remember ever starting.

All this time spent in his room, though, gives him the space to think. And think he does.

The first thing he notices when he reexamines his emotions is that he’s no longer angry. Maybe it is because now, apathy has taken residence in his body, but he cannot remember why he’d been so upset in the first place. He just feels hollow, like there is nothing in him, anymore.

And through some semblance of clarity, he realizes that that is really, really not good.

Juho might have always been skilled in supressing his emotions, at least the inconvenient ones, always carefully balling them up and locking them far, far away in a box at the back of his mind to be forgotten about, but this sort of detachment he should not be used to, and yet. It isn’t startling to realize that he does not care, though. What is startling is the thought that maybe he should care more, that maybe the apathy is more of a result or a sign of something he hadn’t considered before (or didn’t want to) or that maybe –

Maybe Inseong was right.

He’s feels like he’s standing on the frailest, narrowest glass bridge that stretches over a gigantic abyss. There’s only so many directions for him to go, though. The end of the bridge is nowhere in sight, neither is the bottom of the abyss. He has no real desire to move forward, no energy to try and reach land, but he doesn’t want to find out what waits for him in the dark pit below either.

It takes half an hour to convince his body to stand up, to move at all, but he needs to. He thinks about how dancing used to help, sometimes, with clearing his head and calming him, but that would be too much, so he just – puts on his running shoes, puts his phone on silent and leaves the dorm.

He runs and runs and runs until he feels like he’ll vomit up his own lungs and then runs some more.

\--

“You and your big goddamn mouth,“ Inseong grumbles in the general direction of Seokwoo. He cannot even look at him. That might not be too fair, he realizes, but he’s hurting, so fuck it.

Seokwoo cowers where he sits on Inseong’s sofa, “How many times do you need me to say that I’m sorry? Because I am, hyung. I’m sorry.“ He pleads, voice full of regret, and Inseong knows that he means it. That doesn’t make him feel any better.

But because it’s Seokwoo, the boy murmurs, “Don’t know why he got so upset in the first place,“ this makes Inseong look at him, at last, “It’s not a bad thing to look happy.“

Inseong inhales. Exhales. He didn’t actually know what Seokwoo has told Juho, exactly. When Seokwoo gave him the call before, he mentioned only, “I just said that you knew he has darkness within and he – he freaked out.“ and that was all Inseong needed. He had a feeling, from the start, that Juho would not react well to an accusation of that sort, so he’d been trying to come up with a good way to bring it up. He’d never really figured that part out, so Seokwoo helped him in that one regard, even if it had had the worst possible outcome.

“You told him he looked happy?“ Inseong inquires.

Seokwoo leans back, as if relieved Inseong is not avoiding his eyes anymore, “Well, _happier_ than before _._ That’s why I assumed-“ He doesn’t need to finish the sentence.

There’s a moment of silence. Seokwoo is the one to break it, “Will you not call him?“

Inseong sighs, “No,“ he says, honestly, “I think it’s best to give him the room to think.“

Of course he wants to call Juho, to apologize, to see him again and to kiss him and explain to him that this all is a misunderstanding of the most morose of sorts, but everyday he forces himself not to pick up the phone. Juho needs his space. The actual last thing Inseong wants is to drive Juho further away from him than he already has.

\--

Juho wakes up on a park bench.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he does remember reaching the park and sitting down, at least. He’s very far from his dorm, that much he can tell; the neighborhood is one that he doesn’t recognize.

It’s early morning. It’s considerably quiet. There isn’t much traffic, although some people do pass by him, presumably on their way to work. Birds chirp away happily from a nearby tree. Somehow, the tranquility is soothing.

He checks his phone. There are several missing calls from Youngbin, along with some messages which Juho doesn’t bother to read. His fingers are way ahead of him; he calls Youngbin without really stopping to think about it.

Youngbin picks up after the first ring, “Thank fuck,“ Juho winces at his loud voice, “Juho, where the hell are you?!“ There’s a beat of silence, after which Youngbin’s voice softens, “Are you okay?“

“Yes,“ Juho replies. “I’m fine. Sorry, hyung.“

“Where are you?“ Youngbin asks again, and Juho quickly pulls up navigation on his phone so he can give Youngbin an address.

“I’ll be right there.“ Youngbin says and disconnects. It takes about half an hour before his car pulls up on the curb near the bench Juho is occupying. He only looks up at the sound of footsteps approaching him. Youngbin’s expression is clouded over, a frown firmly in place twisting his features.

Juho stands up, body moving before his mind can really catch up. Youngbin’s arms circle him protectively as soon as Juho hugs him, and he holds him for dear life. He feels one of Youngbin’s hands come up to his hair, and he holds him back just as fiercely. “God, Juho,“ he says, “I was so worried. I was fearing the worst.“

Juho has an uncanny feeling he understands that implication. “I’m sorry,“ he repeats.

Youngbin pulls away, gently, “Let’s go home, okay?“ Juho nods. They get in the car. They drive in silence for the first few minutes, and Juho rests his head against the window.

“Juho, we really,“ Youngbin says into the space between them, softly, “really need to talk.“

Juho closes his eyes firmly, just for a second. His chest feels heavy, but he takes in a deeph breath and holds it in. It will not be easy, but he thinks he can manage. After all, this conversation is much overdue. He opens his eyes, “Okay.“

But Youngbin remains silent, for a few long moments before Juho looks sideways at him, and Youngbin breathes out, “I never knew how to begin.“ Juho notices his knuckles turn white where he’s gripping the steering wheel, “I still don’t really know.“

In the silence that follows, the realisation settles into Juho’s bones that maybe both of them were cowards. He guesses he can start to change that, so he swallows, and says, “Then let me start first.“ Youngbin nods, maybe grateful, and Juho continues and finally asks what’s been plaguing his mind for longer than he’d admit, “How did you know? When you found out—“ he has to clear his throat, “When you realised your darkness. How did you know?“

Youngbin seems to consider his words carefully before he replies, “I guess I really didn’t. Certainly not at first.“ Juho allows him the time to think through it and wait until he continues, “It was a painfully slow process, you know. In the beginning, it wasn’t really that I knew I had a problem. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. I was just living my average college life, just like everybody else. When I went to my parents‘ house for the holidays and got drunk, my noona confronted me first.“

Juho heard some of this on the night Inseong questioned Youngbin about all this, but not in so much detail. “Of course I denied it all. There was nothing wrong with me. What was so bad about me wanting to have fun, I remember thinking. She was overreacting. I didn’t speak to her for two whole months, I was that hurt by what she accused me of.“ He casts Juho a glance, quick, before focusing on the road in front of him. “I guess... nobody really likes to be told they’re not okay, that what they’re doing isn’t normal. I felt betrayed by her suggesting that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t feel that way, what the hell did she know?“

Juho knows what Youngbin is getting at, by saying that. His first reaction is to deny that it could apply to him, which, by definition, means that it’s definitely true. He fights the urge to protect himself against it and buries it deep.

Youngbin continues, after Juho hums, “The realisation came gradually. After a particularly rough night I woke up and I just felt like garbage, like I didn’t want to live, not in that state. It wasn’t pretty. After a few more of those, it started to dawn on me that maybe something really wasn’t right with me. With what I kept doing. And then I just... didn’t want to do that anymore, and feel like that. I only didn’t know how to stop. Knowing you have a problem is one thing. Doing something about it completely another.“

“You should have talked to me about it,“ Juho says, softly.

Youngbin gives him a tiny smile, “Maybe. But besides not wanting you to think differently of me, I also just didn’t want to bother you. You seemed to have... a lot going on yourself.“

And that’s his opening, he realizes. This is how he can start being honest with Youngbin, finally, after everything. After all the silences, all the blind eyes, every single _i’m okay, hyung_ when they both knew on some level that that wasn’t true.

So he takes it. He figures he has to start somewhere, and he probably won’t get a better chance at it.

“I—“ the words are stuck in his throat, but he forces them out, “I think I’m really not okay.“

That’s something Youngbin knows, though, so he continues, “It isn’t like your situation was, I—I don’t have an external source. It’s just,“ he makes a gesture with his hand, vague, because words had failed him all his life only except when he’d been writing lyrics, “my head.“

“That’s fine. Juho,“ Youngbin replies, “It’s just as real when it’s just your head. If it’s a problem, it’s a problem. No matter what causes it.“

His voice is soothing, and it eases something in Juho, hearing him say it outloud. It’s a new sort of feeling, to think about it this way – to allow himself to admit that he has a problem, even if it’s just him, just _that_. That it can in some way be his own doing, though involuntary, that causes him to feel so miserable.

“Yeah. It’s—it’s kinda weird. Because now I know,“ Juho says, and somehow now the words come out way easier, “Though I can’t be sure what really causes it, yet. I know I have that darkness within myself after all.“

“Then I know someone who can help you with that,“ Youngbin offers, and it makes Juho smile involuntarily.

Juho sighs the next moment, though, as soon as his thoughts turn to Inseong, “I didn’t handle that well. The entire situation with him.“

Youngbin shoots him a quick look. “When you broke up with him?“

They didn’t talk about this, because Juho couldn’t bring himself to talk around the anger and guilt that he felt. He nods, “Yeah.“

“Well,“ Youngbin muses, “I don’t know what happened, but I know Inseong and I know you, and I think you two can figure it out. Don’t you?“

Juho figures if anybody’s willing to put up with Juho’s shit enough to hear him and his excuses out and then actually understand, it would be Inseong. He says, “I hope so.“

And his heart seizes as it dawns on him just how much he means it.

\--

He’s incredibly nervous as he stands before Inseong’s front door, having yet to knock on it. Youngbin dropped him off when he asked to be driven to his home, but he refused Youngbin when the other asked if he wanted him to go with; not that Juho wouldn’t want him there, but he figured this was something he had to do on his own – not the darkness-miracle part, no. The facing-Inseong-after-what-he’s-done part.

So here he is, about to knock on his door, with no clear idea of what to actually say when Inseong opens the door. If he even opens his door to Juho.

He takes one last steadying breath, thinking that he just has to do it and will deal with it as it comes, and raps his knuckled three times on the wood.

As soon as Inseong opens the door and sees that it is Juho on his front porch, his face cycles through various emotions so quickly Juho wouldn’t be able to catch them had he not been paying so much attention. First, it’s surprise, on its heel confusion and what Juho can only label defiance, but it is gone in a blink of an eye as a carefully blank mask takes its place.

Inseong keeps his unreadable dark eyes trained on Juho’s own, but doesn’t offer a greeting. It had been Juho who’d knocked on his door, after all. He clears his throat, “Hi.“

“Hi,“ Inseong replies, opening the door a bit wider as he takes stance in the doorway. His voice doesn’t sound unkind; in fact, it doesn’t sound like anything at all, completely neutral and void of emotion.

“Can I come in?“ Juho asks, and some of the stacked up tension leaves him only when Inseong takes a step back and says, “Of course.“

Juho’s feet take him into the kitchen, and he can hear the distant sounds of a TV program coming from the adjacent living room. Inseong stands opposite him, kitchen table between them, and just waits with his eyes boring holes into Juho’s own.

There are two reasons why Juho decided to pay him a visit, and figures he should start with the more pressing one, so he balls his hands into fists and steels himself and just says it, “I’m sorry.“

Inseong steps from one foot to the other, a habit Juho thinks is subconscious (and very, very cute), “What for?“

He must know, but Juho knows he needs to own up to his actions, “For... everything,“ he starts, “For the way I acted, mostly. Everybody has been just trying to help me and I only threw a tantrum like a child. I’m sorry.“ He repeats.

Inseong says, “I understand why you acted the way you did.“

Juho knows that’s true – Inseong knows him in ways maybe not even he knows himself, at this point. Juho’s chest squeezes, again, and he might just be starting to understand what that means. “I know. You’re too kind. And I don’t think I deserve it.“ He shakes his head, “You may understand, but that doesn’t mean what I did was okay.“

Inseong hums, and slowly, step by cautious step, walks around the table to stand before Juho, “You’re right. It wasn’t okay. It hurt me and it hurt you and Seokwoo, too.“

Juho nods, “When I calmed down I realized how stupid I was being,“ he confesses. He had not done it on purpose, but still not Inseong nor Seokwoo deserved to be treated that way.

Inseong offers him a small smile, “Ask any therapist on the planet and they will tell you that the most important part is that you realized your own toxic behaviour.“

Juho laughs, too, breathless, “I’ve done a lot of self-reflection, I think.“

“That’s great. I mean it.“ Inseong is still smiling, so pretty and reassuring that warmth blooms in Juho‘s heart, settles in his bones.

Juho lets out a breath, “Can you forgive me, then?“

Inseong, slowly, reaches out to take Juho’s hand in his, “I don’t think there’s much to forgive. But yes.“ And that alone is enough for the rest of Juho’s anxiety to dissipate.

He opens his mouth and he means to say _thank you_ but what actually comes out is a pained, “I missed you so much.“

Inseong’s grip on his hand tightens, “I missed you too.“ And then, “I wanted to call you so many times but I wasn’t sure—“ He cuts himself off, but Juho thinks he understands what he means.

“I had to realize it on my own, hyung,“ Juho says.

Inseong blinks, “Realize what?“

Juho tugs him closer, their bodies almost close enough to touch, “That you were right.“ And that, also, feels good to say. “I do have darkness within myself. Tons of it, I think.“

“Juho,“ Inseong cups his face in his free hand, trails his thumb over Juho’s cheekbone. Juho lets him.

“I still don’t know why, though.“ He admits, “I’ve been trying to think of a reason for it but it’s somehow as if I’ve never felt any other way and only just realized.“

Inseong hums, “That’s fine. That can happen.“ Juho faintly hears Youngbin’s voice at the back of his mind, the sentence he’d uttered at the dorm while he and Juho tried to figure out the cause of Juho’s darkness and were still coming up short. Juho said _there’s no real reason_ and Youngbin, after a moment of consideration, softly said, _that can happen. Mental illness can work that way._

“Will you help me figure it out?“

“Of course.“ Inseong is still caressing his cheek. “That’s what I’ve always wanted to do.“

“So you really did befriend me because of the darkness, hyung?“ He means to joke, but somehow the air between them is too serious. Inseong, though, only tugs Juho closer, so he can rest his forehead against the side of his head, arms circling his neck as he hugs him.

“At first, sure. I wanted to befriend you because the darkness just calls out to me. That’s who I am.“ His voice is low but his lips are so close to Juho’s ear he hears them with perfect clarity. “It is my nature as a saint to try to help as many people as I possibly can, because I want to. But I really do not,“ and there’s a giant emphasis on _not,_ “fall in love with everyone I want to help.“

It takes a second for it to make sense, but when Juho realizes what Inseong means, he nearly sobs. He wants to speak but his throat gets clogged up and he can only hold onto Inseong’s shirt for dear life and hope that he knows that he loves him back just as much.

Inseong whispers into his ear, “The shrine is ready whenever you are.“

Juho nods against his shoulder. He’s ready.

\--

It is completely still and quiet inside the Shrine, only muffled sounds coming from the crazed owls flying around outside.

Inseong stands in front of Juho, looking up into his eyes. He puts his palm on Juho’s chest over his heart, feeling his elevated heartbeat through the clothes and skin. He’s not surprised to find that Juho is scared. They all are, when it comes to this. It’s only natural to feel fear when you’re about to face your own self in all honesty.

Inseong himself feels nothing but calm; actually hasn’t felt anything else since Juho admitted to him out loud that he houses a darkness within. Inseong had known, in that very moment, that Juho was going to be alright. Now, Inseong would make sure of it.

“Remember, once I draw it out and it takes shape, I cannot interfere,“ Inseong says in his practiced cadence, “It’s up to you and you alone to realize what it means and defeat it.“

He watches Juho’s Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows and asks, “What if I can’t?“

“Then you will stay here until you do,“ Inseong answers.

 Juho closes his eyes, exhales, and Inseong withdraws his hand and waits. At last, Juho nods, “Let’s do it.“

Inseong puts his hands over Juho’s closed eyes and follows suit with his own.

It’s very easy to draw out Juho’s darkness; it basically goes on its own, as if it’s been waiting for this moment for a long time, and for all Inseong knows, maybe it has.

He steps back once it starts manifesting. He stands aside, out of the way, so there’s nothing between Juho and what appears to be an animal of some sort standing about 4 feet in front of him. Juho has yet to open his eyes. The animal – whatever it is – stands unmoving, but it regards Juho with utmost intensity, like it’s anticipating his movements.

Juho, finally, opens his eyes. He only looks at his darkness. Everything is still.

It is usually at this point that Inseong can take a guess about the nature of the darkness he just helped manifest, or what it means for the person he drew it from. As an uninterested party he is able to see it objectively, and knows what a person must do in order to realize within themselves how to face their problems and how to solve them.

With Juho’s darkness, he has no idea. The animal appears to be a sort of mythical creature, in that it seems like something out of a story more than any real animal on the planet. It’s fur is blindingly white and its gaze is dark and deep. It sits down, and something about it is so patient it clashes with the way it’s s _till_ looking at Juho without blinking.

Juho is now frowning, regarding it. He seems to be deeply thinking – which is good, that’s what he’s supposed to do. When Juho cocks his head to one side, the creature does the same, mirroring him.

Then Juho takes a cautious step back. The creature follows, just one step, before sitting back down. Inseong notices, in the process, that one of its paws seems to be broken. Juho takes another step back. The creature follows, limping.

Juho, then, takes a step forward, toward the creature. It stays where it is, sitting, looking. Its ears twitch.

And Inseong understands. Not all of it, he can never really know all, but he thinks he gets enough from what he sees, and he knows that if Juho decided to run now, the creature would pursue him without rest until Juho would eventually tire and stop and let it catch up to him. Inseong has a feeling that would not bode well for him.

That’s probably an apt metaphor, he thinks. Juho always seems to run from his problems, and has maybe been doing so for way too long now to know how to stop and face them.

Juho, slowly, steps closer and kneels by the creature. It sniffs in his direction, and Juho smiles at it before extending a hand for it to sniff, before he reaches further and gently takes its bad leg. Inseong can see that his touch is light and careful to not hurt it, and after a second he pulls his hand back in favor of scratching the creature behind its ears. It turns its head to lick at his palm, and with that, it disappears in a billow of smoke.

Inseong knows better than to interrupt a person right after a miracle, so he patiently waits for Juho to collect himself. It doesn’t take very long, though, as Juho only exhales and laughs and run a hand over his face. After a minute or so, he turns to finally look at Inseong, “Thank you.“

Inseong walks over and crushes him in a hug. It says more than words ever could; that he’s proud of him, he loves him, that he’s happy that he was able to help. That Juho doesn’t need to thank him, not for this. That it was actually his own doing.

They walk out of the Shrine together, holding hands, and as soon as they go inside the house Juho’s phone rings. He fishes it out of his pocket, “Oh, it’s my mom,“ he says, “I actually need to get this.“

Inseong pecks him on the cheek, quickly, “Talk to her. I’m gonna make some tea.“

Inseong waits for Juho to come back leaning against the kitchen counter, and he immediately notices Juho’s strained expression when he enters. “Everything okay?“

And, strangely, when Juho says, “Actually, yeah.“ he believes him, because even if he looks wrung out after the conversation with his mom, he does seem happy underneath it. “I finally told her I’m quitting school.“

Inseong blinks, “You’re quitting school?“

Juho nods, “Yeah. It’s... I’ve been thinking about it, before. I want to do something else. If I stay just because she wants a doctor for a son in a month you’re just going to have to draw another darkness out of my body.“ He laughs, but it’s not a joke as much as a bitter truth.

Inseong has a feeling that that’s what his darkness was all about, after all – realising that he could be happy, but he had to put himself first. Fix all his wounds instead of ignoring them and limping forward.

“Then I will support you every step of the way,“ Inseong says, and the smile he gets in response is enough to knock the breath out of his lungs.

“I didn’t say it before,“ Juho says suddenly, and Inseong tries to connect the sentence to the conversation they’re having, “What?“

“That I love you.“

“Oh,“ Inseong thinks back, “Well, I technically didn’t say it explicitly either.“ Juho raises an eyebrow, so he adds, “I love you too.“

\--

Nowadays, Juho wakes up, and after a long, long time, he feels like himself, and most importantly, he feels happy.

It’s a curious thing, but he thinks he really likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who gave this story a shot i hope it was at least okay ToT thanks for sticking around and thanks to everyone who commented, your kind words actually made me sit down and finish it when i was thinking of Not finishing it <3333 yall the real mvps.  
> catch me over on twitter @unforchenate or @neocxxlture if you wanna talk to me about zuseong  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/neocxxlture)


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